The Rise and Fall of Lady Lazarus.

ravenousnight=theblissfuldead=heragonylost

2001-2007, 2007-2009, 2009-present.

I have not disappeared. If you didn't already know this, you weren't paying attention.

 Would any of you on this list who still use LiveJournal be interested in friending my newest journal?  I haven't updated this journal properly in over two years now and much has changed.  Let me know.

My paid account has officially expired. This is your last chance to hop on board with my new journal. If you are unsure of the name, visit previous friends only entries.




And to an onlooker,
If you are going to block someone -- block us both. Keeping that communication open makes you look desperate, as we've both said that we no longer wish to converse with you.

I have two more weeks of my paid account left. Then, I will be completely switched over the new LJ. This journal will not be deleted, just retired.


Those of you who haven't added me but would like to, go ahead! If you are unsure of the new name, reference my last [at least five] friends only entries. Also, if I have already added you on the new LJ and you don't plan on adding me back, let me know. There will be no dispute; I just want to make sure that my list is nice and tidy.



What has been up with me:
— Trying to heal emotional wounds.
— A great amount of time spent with my good buddy Robert.
— Trenton started kindergarten on Tuesday and turned five on Wednesday.
— As of early last month, this journal turned six years old.
— I cut and dyed my hair this past week.
— I got a slight raise at work.
— I have had no new developments on moving out as of yet.

In the past, I did have some communication issues, but as time passed, I began to tackle that. I tried to encourage others to talk about their feelings and felt like it was OK to talk about mine. Instead of creating a positive environment, people who tons of problems of their own that they refused to talk about, decided that I was self-centered because I am comfortable with my emotions.

In order:

Su: Is it starting to make sense yet? All of the lies, all of the heartache – it was the worst thing I ever had to experience – of course, I’d react. I don’t know where I stand on any level. I’m glad that you can accept that we can never be friends and I’m also glad that you’ve agreed to be civil about it. Maybe now, I can start to heal. I can live a life without your intervention or “great ideas.” Remember that the first that ended everything turned the way that it did because you gave your perspective into things that really didn’t involve you. You made our problems my problems, and I knew that you did it because it was so easy to pinpoint someone with emotional depth.
Ke: I tried to get you to talk to me about your feelings on several occasions. When the going gets rough, you run away. If it is self-centered of me to want to know your intentions or resolve conflicts and things that haven’t sat well with me, guilty as charged. Please don’t take any of this the wrong way. I’ve acknowledged the mistakes I made in our relationship. I realize how things stand now, and while I respect the things that would bother you, please don’t promote the idea that I can’t pursue someone because you like them. And it is one thing to tell me I need to get over what I’m going through now and still support and another to try tough love. If it had happened to you, I don’t think you would somehow be less emotional about it than I’ve been.
Re: You are a spoiled brat. I always tried to show how important you were to me and you shut me down. Every time I tried initiate things with you sexually, you made up some stupid excuse. I have no idea how I could be viewed as self-centered by you because I tried to give you everything I could and you refused it – and I think this insistence that you weren’t really bisexual while you were fucking me, your eventual cheating, admittance of this twisted plot involving your then boyfriend and your attempts to play your current boyfriend off of mine shows that the only self-centered one in that situation was you.
Mo: I tried to let my relationship with you develop. I really liked you, and I went above and beyond what I was comfortable with in previous relationships because I thought you felt the same way. When arguments were started over things that weren’t real – I was confused. When I was accused of not giving you as much as you wanted after only a week of being together – it made me feel like you wanted too much too soon. I wrote nice things about you, I talked to you quite often and I tried to arrange things as much as humanly possible. How I could have been viewed at any point as self-centered and immature is beyond me because I wanted things to move forward with us but obviously, our styles clashed. I will say though – thank you for being the bigger person and admitting your faults and realizing that I’m not that person you thought I was: you’re the only one.
Sa: Yes, I got in too deep. Yes, I felt more than what I should. I did, however, encourage me to tell me what you were thinking on several occasions and it took you getting piss-ass drunk to tell me the truth. I’m selfish, right? Self-centered? And why? Because I wanted to give you more than what other people had given you. You’d already given all of that to me, whether a relationship existed or not. I needed time to step back, and I took it.

Step 1: Post this into your LJ.
Step 2: Others will reply anonymously about what they really think of you.
Step 3: Cry, because this meme is so brutal, and it hurts.

IP address logging is off. No one's comments are screened. And if it's negative, you have to tell me why. "I think you suck" will not suffice.


Friends -- see the last entry for my new journal name. If you don't have an account but read my stuff, IM me at wintersterror or e-mail me at switchbladerose2001@yahoo.com

Hey. I'm [pretty drunk amd messed up right now, but I thought I'd check in. If for no other reason but to comment on a various things I've beeen thinking about. If you haven't really this, I stop caring how I type ate this point. As evident by the last senten ce I don't Lways type the right words. Oh well.


I locve you guys, at least most of your guys because I'm all paranoid about who O can trust at this point. That whole fear that someone on thw inside was really for the oppsituion at the time. I've started doing research on that. I guess OI always want to know what's going on and who9 was really on that side and why, given that I had nothing to do with how thAT PLAYED OUT. i WAS TOO busy with sorrow at that point. The only thing I was being irrational about as the fear that my relationship with someone I had been with for 1.5 years nd had a kid with was ending. I played along with things that most people wouldn't have. I was treally fucking noble and I'm sorry if I'm the only one who sees it that way.

But yeah -- at my dad's house right nwo. I'm going to take a shot with him a midnight for his birthday. YAY!


And most of you don't have tjhe need to take anything I've said personally. I promise. I have a specifice auidence.

Gimme some love! I nned it!

So, yesterday I got to hang out with Mario and Chris from the Philadelphia-based (formerly of Pittsburgh) band Dyksick. They were great fucking company. Mario is definitely a character and I say that with the upmost respect and appreciation. I was sort of surprised to hear from him, but we ended up meeting up at the Meadowbrook Mall and had a blast just hanging around and talking.

There are a lot things going on right now that may turn into positive moves (both figuratively and literally). I won't devulge any of the details until things are more concrete, but believe me when I say that the prospect of it all is exactly what I need to move forward.

-- What can be said about the current situation I'm in? One thing is for certain -- I will no longer fall for bullshit. Isn't it interesting that during the course of my relationship with TJ only one thing [read: person] has ever come close to making it unbearable? That could be because we connect on so many levels, that it's as though we are the same person -- we just deal with things differently sometimes. TJ brought up the idea that there is really only 5% of us that isn't the same sort of sentiment. We can talk about how we think and feel. We match in our interests, philosophies, spiritual bearings, cosmic beliefs and extra-sensory abilities. We've been through things that would make other couples cringe, but the point is, we came out of all of it together. It is, and has been time for quite awhile, to drop old strains on our relationship. Regardless of any ability to carry on a "friendship" with her, it is obvious that she is self-seeking. I find it more than a little coincidental that most of our problems have been either the product of her physical intervention or her underhanded manipulation. She wants people to think she cares about them because she's after something. That has been evident by the number of times our friendship has failed in the past and her inability to effectively communicate with me when I deal with the negative things that she herself started. It's not just this but various instances of interaction over the past five years. I realize that some people may consider this move to be drastic, while many have pushed me in that direction. I'm taking the advice from the latter. I will no longer allow myself to be put through pain from venomous people. I will no longer accept pleas for friendship and reconciliation because they are empty. I should have done this a long time ago, and I'm sure she thinks she can manipulate me into coming around -- but it's not going to happen. When I say I'm through, I'm through. I'm not adding any more stress to my life or my relationship with TJ. None of the things of the past ever should have happened, and I have a feeling that they wouldn't have if I had said and done all of the things I wanted to. She wanted to intervene in things that were none of her concern, and I should have told her so. She wanted to manipulate someone that only I completely understand -- on some levels, successfully and on others, not even fucking close. At that time, I really was just afraid of losing him. She played off of that; she used it to make it about her. And while I didn't want her around at all, I respected what TJ wanted to/tried to do. I went over and tried to be civil and talk and hang out because he felt like it needed to be done. I cooperated because I have the common decency to do so -- she did not. He assured me he wasn't leaving me, and in the end, he didn't. And he won't no matter how hard she to tries to create a schism between us. There comes a point in time where she'll have to realize that all of that is a lost cause. And what better time than the present. This is the end. Maybe now we can live our lives. A life separate from all of the messes she has created. A life without dwelling on those mistakes of the past. While I wish to keep talking about it with him, I hope that, in doing so, we can rise above it, survive like we always have because it's obvious to me, and to everyone else, how much we love each other -- four-year-old mistakes or not.

-- I feel antsy, and I want to get out of this town. Twenty-three years is enough. I need to be able to fend for myself now in a different place.