| (no subject) |
[Sep. 17th, 2007|02:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
My paid account has officially expired. This is your last chance to hop on board with my new journal. If you are unsure of the name, visit previous friends only entries.
And to an onlooker,
If you are going to block someone -- block us both. Keeping that communication open makes you look desperate, as we've both said that we no longer wish to converse with you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 2nd, 2007|01:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  working | ] |
I have two more weeks of my paid account left. Then, I will be completely switched over the new LJ. This journal will not be deleted, just retired.
Those of you who haven't added me but would like to, go ahead! If you are unsure of the new name, reference my last [at least five] friends only entries. Also, if I have already added you on the new LJ and you don't plan on adding me back, let me know. There will be no dispute; I just want to make sure that my list is nice and tidy.
What has been up with me:
— Trying to heal emotional wounds.
— A great amount of time spent with my good buddy Robert.
— Trenton started kindergarten on Tuesday and turned five on Wednesday.
— As of early last month, this journal turned six years old.
— I cut and dyed my hair this past week.
— I got a slight raise at work.
— I have had no new developments on moving out as of yet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2007|02:01 pm] |
In the past, I did have some communication issues, but as time passed, I began to tackle that. I tried to encourage others to talk about their feelings and felt like it was OK to talk about mine. Instead of creating a positive environment, people who tons of problems of their own that they refused to talk about, decided that I was self-centered because I am comfortable with my emotions.
In order:
Su: Is it starting to make sense yet? All of the lies, all of the heartache – it was the worst thing I ever had to experience – of course, I’d react. I don’t know where I stand on any level. I’m glad that you can accept that we can never be friends and I’m also glad that you’ve agreed to be civil about it. Maybe now, I can start to heal. I can live a life without your intervention or “great ideas.” Remember that the first that ended everything turned the way that it did because you gave your perspective into things that really didn’t involve you. You made our problems my problems, and I knew that you did it because it was so easy to pinpoint someone with emotional depth.
Ke: I tried to get you to talk to me about your feelings on several occasions. When the going gets rough, you run away. If it is self-centered of me to want to know your intentions or resolve conflicts and things that haven’t sat well with me, guilty as charged. Please don’t take any of this the wrong way. I’ve acknowledged the mistakes I made in our relationship. I realize how things stand now, and while I respect the things that would bother you, please don’t promote the idea that I can’t pursue someone because you like them. And it is one thing to tell me I need to get over what I’m going through now and still support and another to try tough love. If it had happened to you, I don’t think you would somehow be less emotional about it than I’ve been.
Re: You are a spoiled brat. I always tried to show how important you were to me and you shut me down. Every time I tried initiate things with you sexually, you made up some stupid excuse. I have no idea how I could be viewed as self-centered by you because I tried to give you everything I could and you refused it – and I think this insistence that you weren’t really bisexual while you were fucking me, your eventual cheating, admittance of this twisted plot involving your then boyfriend and your attempts to play your current boyfriend off of mine shows that the only self-centered one in that situation was you.
Mo: I tried to let my relationship with you develop. I really liked you, and I went above and beyond what I was comfortable with in previous relationships because I thought you felt the same way. When arguments were started over things that weren’t real – I was confused. When I was accused of not giving you as much as you wanted after only a week of being together – it made me feel like you wanted too much too soon. I wrote nice things about you, I talked to you quite often and I tried to arrange things as much as humanly possible. How I could have been viewed at any point as self-centered and immature is beyond me because I wanted things to move forward with us but obviously, our styles clashed. I will say though – thank you for being the bigger person and admitting your faults and realizing that I’m not that person you thought I was: you’re the only one.
Sa: Yes, I got in too deep. Yes, I felt more than what I should. I did, however, encourage me to tell me what you were thinking on several occasions and it took you getting piss-ass drunk to tell me the truth. I’m selfish, right? Self-centered? And why? Because I wanted to give you more than what other people had given you. You’d already given all of that to me, whether a relationship existed or not. I needed time to step back, and I took it. |
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| One Last Time Before I Go... |
[Jul. 23rd, 2007|09:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  curious | ] |
Step 1: Post this into your LJ.
Step 2: Others will reply anonymously about what they really think of you.
Step 3: Cry, because this meme is so brutal, and it hurts.
IP address logging is off. No one's comments are screened. And if it's negative, you have to tell me why. "I think you suck" will not suffice.
Friends -- see the last entry for my new journal name. If you don't have an account but read my stuff, IM me at wintersterror or e-mail me at switchbladerose2001@yahoo.com |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2007|11:39 pm] |
Hey. I'm [pretty drunk amd messed up right now, but I thought I'd check in. If for no other reason but to comment on a various things I've beeen thinking about. If you haven't really this, I stop caring how I type ate this point. As evident by the last senten ce I don't Lways type the right words. Oh well.
I locve you guys, at least most of your guys because I'm all paranoid about who O can trust at this point. That whole fear that someone on thw inside was really for the oppsituion at the time. I've started doing research on that. I guess OI always want to know what's going on and who9 was really on that side and why, given that I had nothing to do with how thAT PLAYED OUT. i WAS TOO busy with sorrow at that point. The only thing I was being irrational about as the fear that my relationship with someone I had been with for 1.5 years nd had a kid with was ending. I played along with things that most people wouldn't have. I was treally fucking noble and I'm sorry if I'm the only one who sees it that way.
But yeah -- at my dad's house right nwo. I'm going to take a shot with him a midnight for his birthday. YAY!
And most of you don't have tjhe need to take anything I've said personally. I promise. I have a specifice auidence.
Gimme some love! I nned it! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2007|09:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
So, yesterday I got to hang out with Mario and Chris from the Philadelphia-based (formerly of Pittsburgh) band Dyksick. They were great fucking company. Mario is definitely a character and I say that with the upmost respect and appreciation. I was sort of surprised to hear from him, but we ended up meeting up at the Meadowbrook Mall and had a blast just hanging around and talking.
There are a lot things going on right now that may turn into positive moves (both figuratively and literally). I won't devulge any of the details until things are more concrete, but believe me when I say that the prospect of it all is exactly what I need to move forward. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2007|09:08 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
-- What can be said about the current situation I'm in? One thing is for certain -- I will no longer fall for bullshit. Isn't it interesting that during the course of my relationship with TJ only one thing [read: person] has ever come close to making it unbearable? That could be because we connect on so many levels, that it's as though we are the same person -- we just deal with things differently sometimes. TJ brought up the idea that there is really only 5% of us that isn't the same sort of sentiment. We can talk about how we think and feel. We match in our interests, philosophies, spiritual bearings, cosmic beliefs and extra-sensory abilities. We've been through things that would make other couples cringe, but the point is, we came out of all of it together. It is, and has been time for quite awhile, to drop old strains on our relationship. Regardless of any ability to carry on a "friendship" with her, it is obvious that she is self-seeking. I find it more than a little coincidental that most of our problems have been either the product of her physical intervention or her underhanded manipulation. She wants people to think she cares about them because she's after something. That has been evident by the number of times our friendship has failed in the past and her inability to effectively communicate with me when I deal with the negative things that she herself started. It's not just this but various instances of interaction over the past five years. I realize that some people may consider this move to be drastic, while many have pushed me in that direction. I'm taking the advice from the latter. I will no longer allow myself to be put through pain from venomous people. I will no longer accept pleas for friendship and reconciliation because they are empty. I should have done this a long time ago, and I'm sure she thinks she can manipulate me into coming around -- but it's not going to happen. When I say I'm through, I'm through. I'm not adding any more stress to my life or my relationship with TJ. None of the things of the past ever should have happened, and I have a feeling that they wouldn't have if I had said and done all of the things I wanted to. She wanted to intervene in things that were none of her concern, and I should have told her so. She wanted to manipulate someone that only I completely understand -- on some levels, successfully and on others, not even fucking close. At that time, I really was just afraid of losing him. She played off of that; she used it to make it about her. And while I didn't want her around at all, I respected what TJ wanted to/tried to do. I went over and tried to be civil and talk and hang out because he felt like it needed to be done. I cooperated because I have the common decency to do so -- she did not. He assured me he wasn't leaving me, and in the end, he didn't. And he won't no matter how hard she to tries to create a schism between us. There comes a point in time where she'll have to realize that all of that is a lost cause. And what better time than the present. This is the end. Maybe now we can live our lives. A life separate from all of the messes she has created. A life without dwelling on those mistakes of the past. While I wish to keep talking about it with him, I hope that, in doing so, we can rise above it, survive like we always have because it's obvious to me, and to everyone else, how much we love each other -- four-year-old mistakes or not.
-- I feel antsy, and I want to get out of this town. Twenty-three years is enough. I need to be able to fend for myself now in a different place. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|02:03 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
you had all of them on your side, didn't you?
you believe in all your lies, didn't you?
the ruiner's got a lot to prove he's got nothing to lose and now he made you
believe
the ruiner's your only friend well he's the living end to the cattle he
deceives
the raping of the innocent you know the ruiner ruins everything he sees
now the only pure thing left in my fucking world is wearing your disease
how did you get so big?
how did you get so strong?
how did you get so hard?
how did you get so long?
you had to give them all a sign, didn't you?
you had to covet what was mine, didn't you?
the ruiner's a collector he's an infector serving his shit to his flies
maybe there will come a day when those that you keep blind will suddenly
realize
maybe it's a part of me you took to a place I hoped it would never go
and maybe that fucked me up so much more than you'll ever know
how did you get so big?
how did you get so strong?
how did you get so hard?
how did you get so long?
what you gave to me
my perfect ring of scars
you know I can see what you really are
you didn't hurt me nothing can hurt me
you didn't hurt me nothing can stop me now ~ Nine Inch Nails, "Ruiner." |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2007|11:36 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | curious | ] |
How much can I trust you? Everyone is free to comment, and it is encouraged. I'm losing much of my belief in most people.
Furthermore -- who reads my journal? Even if you don't comment, let me know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2007|03:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
I feel completely and utterly alone. I don't feel like there is a single person on this Earth who can understand the dynamic of what I'm going through and can really be objective about it. Hell, I don't even understand the decisions I've made in regard to how I deal with it. I am in a really dark place in my life where all I think about is self-harm. I have no drive to be a functioning person anymore. I just go from day to day much like a zombie -- but instead "Brains!" being on my mind its how I can possibly keep going in this direction knowing the information I know. I don't want to leave, but I don't know how to deal with it either. I found out more information last night -- and I think the real truth is becoming known. I was only waiting for the ball to drop. I was right about the number of times being off by quite a bit. I was right about a lot of things, and I wasn't ever there.
I want to disappear. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2007|03:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
All of this retrospect has got my head spinning. I am to the point where rage takes precedent over any other emotion I could possibly have. It’s sort of unsatisfying, but then again, I should have never have been forced to go through this at all. Even if I did, in some way, affect the outcome of part 2 a., part 2 b. should have never become an option.
I’m starting to question everything – more than anything else, this applies to how I interact with people and which people are worthy of my time, which people truly care about me and which people keep me on their side for amusement or so they can spring surprise drama on me.
I’m all for getting over the past and spring-boarding into the future, but that would imply that past behaviors have changed and/or are no longer an issue. This proves to be a rough concept for some. It seems like some people are willing to create a mess but chose not to deal with it when it comes to the clean-up. I’ve been associated with so many people who are exactly this way. They don’t want to deal with it; so, they ignore it or accuse me of starting some drama war simply for reacting to their bullshit.
My journal is my journal. If I need to vent or cope or deal with my emotions to their fullest extent, I will. I shouldn’t be forced to censor myself because someone has hurt feelings. I’m always more than willing to take rebuttals or different perspectives – it’s just that few people seem to take that. They want to make me look more irrational than I am by avoiding their problems, making it more difficult to feel any sense of closure.
Why do I need closure? Because when one is betrayed over and over again by people who claim to care about her, she begins to look at each of these instances critically. These critical interpretations of the events or crimes associated with disrespectful behavior often lead me to look not only at these factors but the person who committed the offense. I have a belief that people can and do change, but you can only give someone so many chances to fix his/herself before you realize how little worth the person’s existence in your life really is.
People who fight for my friendship but offer me nothing other than a brief “I’m sorry,” often followed by lies or inappropriate comments, do not need to be given the regard that I give people of true merit. I’m not going to allow my life to be controlled by their mistakes nor will I allow them to lead me into thinking they are truly apologizing when their actions prove otherwise.
I had accepted a long time ago that I wouldn’t get closure on the item of the past that is of concern to me now. But since someone claimed to be my friend, she should have had the common decency to do the bare minimum of what I required. I could seriously care less if the past is something she doesn’t want to break into because it reminds her of what she failed to accomplish [and I’ve never really received any indication that it’s really making her feel bad in relation to me – just in relation to her selfish need to keep this topic out of her repertoire]. My needs have not and will never be taken into consideration. I should have expected as much.
It seems this is more retrospective now that I’ve given up. But I rest assured that I won’t be the one crying when karma comes calling. You can only run from your problems so much before they find you and tackle you to the ground.
But Katrina – if you’ve given up, why talk about it? Because I’ve found that conquering your troubles, even if your troubles are people, is a better alternative than to stop thinking about it or let people slide by without knowing your true feelings. I’m not going to lie to myself. Even if I’m talking to myself – it’s better than not dealing with it at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2007|11:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  predatory | ] |
You are dead to me.
You've been banned from commenting on my journal, blocked from my MySpace, your comments on my profile removed and blocked on AIM. Why the hell am I giving you chances? If you were any sort of friend, you wouldn't avoid the subject or get defensive when I tell you how much it has hurt me. If you were any sort of friend, it wouldn't have happened to begin with. Why should I have to appease you? Why can I only talk about things you feel comfortable with when you brought this on yourself? If you were sorry, you would prove it. I'm not going to beg you anymore to be an adult about this. I'm not going to sit around and wonder if you'll be ready to talk about this one day. It should have never been your decision to begin with.
Anyone who has conflict with my decision can walk out the fucking door. She should be down on her knees thanking me for not beating the shit out of her like I wanted to then. |
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| And Other Things. |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|12:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
The good:
— Lava Lounge on Friday night. 80's night was awesome, and we danced like maniacs. ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) evilkellychan and I got waaaaaaay drunk. After I left with my friends Elaine, Alison, Amanda and Grant. We stopped at a random bar to pee, and then we went to Cogo's where I sang a song to a skinhead. We went to Jack and Shirley's for food I hardly ate, but I did steal Grant's ketchup.
— Mass grocery shopping -- I had to call Elaine and tell her about all of the cool things I got. I needed the detox though -- believe me. I had a hangover Saturday that last all day long.
— Lunch with artmistress78 at Carmona's this afternoon.
The bad:
— TJ's sister had her baby the Thursday before I left. He was born with reversed ventricles and two holes in his heart. He has been in the hospital in Morgantown since and underwent heart surgery last week. Good news is that he is doing much better than he was.
— My step-uncle, who I went to high school with, was riding along on a motorcycle when they crashed. He had broken ribs, a shattered elbow, a punctured lung and his crushed foot had to be amputated. Tyler is a cyclist, who no longer has a foot.
— This kid who is a neighbor of my mom's, who I know and talked to on occasion and went to school with my sister, ODed on Methadone and has been in and out of a coma, unsure of whether or not he will survive.
— And last, but definitely not least, my youngest sister, who I share a father with, lost her mother this past week. Traci was only 32 years old and went into an unresponsive coma the week before. She had Huntington's Disease and another neurological disorder and was in a nursing home.
So, on top of my obvious emotional issues, you can see why I'd be conflicted. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|11:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I've returned! I had a pretty good time on my vacation -- but I'll get to that later.
Despite vacationing/relaxing for a week, that is not relief for problems. I am still filled with such sadness and feelings of betrayal that it feels like my heart is going to burst. I don't know how I am going to deal with this. I still ponder how I'm ever going to be able to trust again. I've questioned who I can trust and who is pulling the wool over my eyes. I am fighting this undeniable urge to purge.
That is not to say that everything is completely terrible. It is a common belief that rehashing what happened over and over again will not make it better, but it's what I need. At the very least, I deserve an answer for every question I ask. I was the victim. Nothing was right or good or respectful of me in any way and the subsequent bullshit I had to deal with from all parties, based on something that should have never happened to begin with, was ridiculous. If I would have been listened to, instead of dismissed as crazy or irrational, so much pain could have been avoided. But I can't change the past and I believe everything happens for a reason -- I just want to know when I have to stop suffering for other people's fuck-ups. I want to know everything I can because I don't want it sugar-coated. I want to know what I'm dealing with here. It could be argued that the details don't mean much when the big picture is so black and white -- but that's bullshit. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2007|08:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  excited | ] |
I'm officially on vacation!
I leave for the real fun on Tuesday when desdemona47 and I head to Huntington, W.Va. for a night. Then, on Wednesday, it's off to Columbus, Ohio to see oneboyarmy . Last but not least is two nights in Pittsburgh, Pa. to stay with skully696a with guest appearances by evilkellychan, aidinslevel and winterminute. Oh yes-- debauchery will be had.
Today, I cleaned a refrigerator for spare money; tomorrow -- I clean my grandfather's porch. Any spare money I can wrack up will be beneficial, as we are not returning until Saturday!
Tonight -- I dye my hair and start packing. Mmmmhmm. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2007|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
I'm never really completely sure how to feel or which direction to go in. I've dealt with all of the extreme emotions that I possibly can, and no matter how hard I try to move beyond the negative ones, I can't. I'm sure that some people would advise me to just let go, and eventually, I will attempt that route, but for now, I can't help but feel like I need time to cope. There is one thing that I was never given, and that was closure. I finally got to the point in which I could pretty well accept that things happened the way that they did, but since key information was kept a secret, I feel like I'm doomed to review it all over again, much to my displeasure. The hardest thing for me is looking back knowing that I didn't deserve it. Karmicly, it makes absolutely no sense, and I did nothing to provoke the way that things played out, in fact -- I attempted to stop it. My impulses that value justice turn up empty at this avenue.
Since I am not a master of time and space and I'll probably never know the whens and the hows, it is hard for me not to feel like, for a brief moment, I was worth sacrificing. It has been said that the consequences of the actions taken were not looked at critically until after the fact, but I made myself very clear that I did not want that to happen from day one. I feel saddened that I was not listened to, that my warnings were as empty as I was. Ever since, I've had to pay for the sins of others. I've been the victim for so long, and it seems like only one party involved other than me can see that my suffering was far worse than anyone else's. I did not ask for this to happen, and when it all came crashing down, it should have ended between all parties. I tried, for him, to smooth thing over, though I knew it would prove to be a hopeless endeavor. I was still very clear about how I felt and my perspective on how things were unfolding at the time -- I was right on every point.
Despite all that occurred, I do believe that people are capable of change. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, despite red flags and warning signs that I was dealing with very much the same person, only the methods were different. Quite honestly, had I known the truth about what happened, I would have never attempted a friendship. Anyone who is so willing to try to damage what I have and take it for herself, all while pretending that things can and will turn out alright in the end but concurrently being ruthless and cut-throat, does not deserve my company. I've given so many chances for redemption, but I don't believe that that was ever my responsibility. Why should I have to try to hard to mend something that was damaged primarily by the actions of the other person? I've never claimed to be perfect. I am human, and I make mistakes Nonetheless -- I hold the belief that my biggest mistake in this situation was letting someone in who had proven to be untrustworthy before and not defending myself when conflict was right in my face. If I could do it all over again, I would have reminded her that many of the things used against me were none of her concern.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 19th, 2007|01:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
I am forced to turn inward. I want to understand what my mind and heart could never comprehend. I want to know that there is a cure to what I'm feeling. I want to know my worth.
But I cannot be so easily swayed. When your heart has been broken in half, you begin to question everything, even yourself.
"I believe in whatever gets you through the night. Night is the hardest time to be alive. For me,anyway. It lasts so long,and four a.m knows all my secrets. Four a.m is when my dreams die." ~ from Lost Souls by Poppy Z Brite |
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| Retrospect |
[Jun. 16th, 2007|03:51 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | poetry | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
It knocked me
with such a force
that my screams were deafened,
vocal cords extracted.
I, broken,
displaced,
depraved.
It, a supernova of emptiness,
I, battered,
Beaten,
Pillaged.
A door was locked
with no key in sight.
I, with no lust for life.
He, overtaken by possession,
A proverbial monster,
The perfect stranger.
I envisioned what was
unseen....
I was on the operating table,
Innards strewn by
blood-splattered scalpels,
Totally conscious.
I wore my invisible shackles.
She, disassembling what was left of
my heart. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2007|03:17 pm] |
Today is TJ's 25th birthday. He doesn't care much abouts birthdays because he has rarely had any sort of celebration. Last year, we went to the 88 with Brandon and Elaine, and I think he had a good time. This year, I hope he gets a sense of gratification from his birthday and doesn't fall into his parents' trap of thinking it's just another day for manual labor.
Last year:
 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 15th, 2007|02:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
I got that haircut I needed.*
Tonight -- five bands for $5 featuring False Profit! Oh yes -- lets rock the Hodgesville Community Center. It'll be hot. Elaine is in, and we're going. 5 p.m. -- be there, punks.
Last night, I wrote some poetry and read some Sylvia Plath. The previous night, I had become overcome by rage. I think that it was somewhat healthy, though. I feel a little bit stronger, I think. I can't sit back and feel sorry for myself forever. There comes a time to put it all into perspective. There is no time like the present to grab what ails you by the throat, come to terms with it and then abandon it.
*If you're wondering why the MySpace link, it's because I'm a work now, and my laptop battery at home died before I could upload to photobucket last night. I'll fix it later. |
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